Zumba Kicked My Assa

My friend Teresa raved about Zumba, telling me things like: “It is fun.”; “I love it.”; “My kids love it.”; “It doesn’t feel like working out.”; and so on. I lost track of all the great things she said about Zumba. Something in the back of my mind suggested that I look into it because I should augment my sedentary life with some sort of masochistic hobby that involves getting the heart rate up, convinces muscles to scream out their objections, and makes me sweat like a whore on dollar day. This was the month to take action.

I told Mr. Bernie that if there was a class in our part of town, then I would go to it. We live just outside of town and I was pretty sure this was a deal I wouldn’t have to cash in on.  I got a wild hair and decided to look at the Zumba website. I was confident that they wouldn’t have one in our part of town. You see, exercising is bad enough. To have to stay in town, or travel back to town, to do it would suck. I prefer to get close to home and then avoid the crowds. I put in our zip code into the Zumba class finder and pressed enter. A nice list popped up on-screen with lots of options. I smiled as I scrolled past all the classes deep inside the city. “La la la, I’m safe.”, I thought. Suddenly, I stopped. There it was. A class not more than 4 miles from my home scrolled into view. What the hell? Nooooooooooooo!! How in the hell did that get there? I may have said something that rhymes with duck and starts with an f and ends with a uck and am sure that it wasn’t ‘Fire Truck’. I had great hopes it was a mix up. Perhaps the class had folded. Maybe it was a typo? Who knows. I emailed the instructor to get some details.

My whiny email about how much I don’t want to exercise; questions about cost and location; and concerns about getting into something that I wasn’t ready for were answered fairly quickly. I was afraid she was going to call, sound like a five-year old girl, and start to preach about the power of Zumba. On the contrary, the instructor was very nice and not too perky. Thank God! The class is a steal at a dollar and a half per session. I don’t think Little Debbie snack cakes are still only $1.50. I told her a bit about myself and my concerns. She addressed my concerns and reassured me that I wouldn’t die, but I had to sign a waiver when I went to my first class. Does that make you shudder a little in fear the way that I did? I asked about the types of people who are in her class. She explained that there were everything from young to old, thin to fat, and so on. It was a virtual  melting pot of women shaking their stuff.  Whee. How Fun. She told me just how to get to the class and made me feel at ease.

The day of my first class I was pretty nervous. There was that waiver that had to be signed. I hardly ever get aches and pains. However, on that day I was sure my right knee was going to fall off. I must have something wrong with my foot. Was there something wrong with my breathing? Maybe I should stay home if I’m feeling so poorly. I think I made myself limp to test it out to be sure that all my parts were not going to hold up. Psychosomatic? Noooooo! Well ok, maybe. My first class was to be after work. I needed to get some sustenance before class. Mr. Bernie tried to push some energy bar thing on me. Too late, I already had my huge hunk of turtle bar type thing. It was really tasty. Mr. Bernie just shook his head and told me I needed to eat something good for me. Ya, ya, good for me. That turtle bar in my tummy sure tasted good to me. I started getting ready for class. I had to find my Enell sports bra. I have a love hate relationship with that bitch. Its 15 hooks and she really holds me in. I mean really holds me in tight. I had a hard time bending over to put on my shoes. I pinched part of my boob when I was hooking it up. Ouch! Once prepared for class, I thought that I would burn up some spare time by talking with Jenny.

Jenny tried to calm me down before class. “You know Bern, if you like the class. I will take one here in Duluth.”  Since when did I become the measuring stick for stuff? Then she told me, “Try to remember some of the songs so you can tell me which ones they had.” She has a tween and knows about the new music. I explained to her as nicely as I could, “I don’t know about these damn dance songs. How in the holy hell could I remember the names to tell you? I will be sweating my ass off and trying not to feel self-conscious about having no idea what I am doing. Chances are that I won’t even recognize a word, let alone who the artist was. Don’t expect a report back to you on it!” She laughed at me and told me to have a good time. The bitch. The time had finally arrived to go out and play.

I arrived to class a bit early. I left a little early to make sure that I found it in time. I wanted to scope out the women going to class. I also wanted to stop peeing every five minutes like a puppy from nervousness. People started going up to a table to hand over money.  I fell into line. It reminded me of going to a girl scout meeting and standing in line to hand in my dues. This ‘girl scout meeting’ was on steroids, though. The instructor guessed who I was when I arrived. She was friendly and welcoming. I asked her where the back of the room was. I wanted to make sure that I was in the back corner so I could feel in control. Screw that Dirty Dancing line, ‘Nobody puts Baby in a corner.” I adjusted the old song to meet my needs. I said to myself, “Bernie puts Bernie in a corner. Hopefully nobody will bother me.”

I wandered into the (hardwood looking basketball room or whatever it was) and found a nice corner to claim. I looked around and sized all the gals up. Some of the little people were in cliques. Kind of like High School all over again. No big shock there. Others were standing around – or doing jumping jacks – or picking their noses and looking more lost than I felt at the time.  I did some stretching and tried not to make eye contact with anyone. The time came to start the class. The instructor walked to the front of the room and asked everyone how they were doing. The crowd yelled back, “Great!” or something like that. I don’t normally listen to the type of music that started playing. I’m an old-fashioned country music gal. This was new for me on many levels. I prayed my ears wouldn’t bleed and started moving with the rest of the crowd. There are particular moves that one must learn to Zumba and I found myself staring at the instructor.

It is easiest too learn the steps by watching from behind the instructor. I loved that she was not facing us. It made it much easier for me to follow the steps.  I felt like a pervert, because my husband would have thought that she did have a nice ass. The dance started out mild. At first I thought I was at Cheerleader or Dance Line camp. Everyone was moving their arms back and forth, and around, and so on. Slap some pom-pom in my hand and I was ready to go. (I wasn’t a cheerleader. I have no idea what they do at those camps. I made that part up.) I thought that this wasn’t so bad. I had not yet realized that the festivities were just getting started.

After several songs we started jumping, squatting, rolling our stomachs, and performing about a hundred other unfamiliar body movements. We were squirming, and wriggling, and stepping around like Ginger Rogers with Fred Astaire. We were working at a fevered frenzy that had me a breathing harder than a multiple orgasm. I thought that my brain was going to explode. Then came a question that I never expected. The instructor yelled, “Is everyone warmed up??’!! What the hell? I’m sweating like a whore on dollar day and she wants to know if we are warmed up?  I was sweating in spots I didn’t know sweated. I panicked. I gave up any pretense of wanting to be left alone. I turned to the gal next to me with red face, sweat dripping, and eyes wild. I said to her, “Oh my god! That was a warm up? Really? That was only a warm up? Tell my husband I loved him because I think my time has come.” She laughed and explained that it was half way through class. It was all downhill from here. I wanted so much to kiss her or offer to have her baby – Anything to show my appreciation.

Things did slow down after a few more songs. The cool down cycle included slower and more seductive movements. I almost felt like a pole dancer a few times. I was supposed to be moving in a sexy way, though I’m sure that I looked more like a beached whale wriggling around. I started to relax and thought I was doing pretty good. I woke up out of that daydream when I realized that I was moving my left arm and everyone else was moving their right.  Rule number six is: No daydreaming in Zumba!! Finally, the class ended. I wasn’t feeling to bad – not yet, anyway. The gal next to me had gone 5 times and encouraged me to return on Thursday. She promised me that it will get easier. She gave me some tips. I thought that she was nice. I went home and flopped on the couch. Remember that part about not feeling to bad? It started creeping up on me like tidal wave creeps up on a beach. I swear I thought my legs and arms were going to fall off. They were drained of energy and felt like lead. Mr Bernie made supper and fed me. I was through but still to somehow take off my bra with its 15 hooks, shower, and make it to my pillow. I felt satisfied as I drifted off to sleep knowing that I had done it and lived to tell the tale. I think I may have even enjoyed it. My body is out on that verdict so far. Let us give it a few weeks.  I’ll be going to class again tonight. I think I keep hearing my knee popping……

I would love to challenge you guys to take a Zumba class and blog about it. I would love to hear what you guys think of it. Here is the Zumba Finder website to help you find a class in your area.

Thank you to Julie from Tri-ing to be Athletic for the cool picture! When I told her about the Zumba class she said, “Oh, I love Zumba. I sweat a lot.” WTH? This is a girl who swims, bikes works out and she sweats a lot in that class? Kill me now. You can see more of her cool stick figures on her blog. If you want/need a special picture made for you, email her for rates. She also made my About Me picture that I won in her contest.

Finding the Funny

~Bernie

Comments

  1. Too funny! You were sweating in places you didn’t know existed – love that!!

    Thanks for linking up to finding the funny!
    Anna

  2. Don’t you hate when exercise instructors get to the hardest part and then ask “is everybody warmed up”? Is that like some kind of rule that they all have to do this?

    btw, AWESOME story!

    • I do think its in the trainer handbook. “When they all look like they are going to pass out, spring the news that its only a warm up.”

  3. I took a few Zumba Classes.. LOVED it!!!
    But, alas, my heart did not share my love for the fun.

    I have a mild heart condition and can’t handle high-intensity-cardio stuff, like Kick Boxing and Zumba- though I have tried them and loved them and about passed out from them and usually end upp at the doctors seeing if I need medication and anther stress-test.

    Yoga and a mild bike ride are about all I can handle.

    • Yikes! You don’t want to pass out while doing exercise, I think that defeats the purpose. :) Glad you found something else that will work for you.

  4. Oh, wow. I don’t think I’ve laughed that hard in a while! Not at you, of course, but the fact that I would be right back there with you, scowling at the skinny bitches!
    A friend of mine raves about it and so I thought I might try it… I’m starting draw similarities between us, only in my story I skip class and enjoy a date with a box of Twinkies. Sounds much more emotionally satisfying. Thanks for saving me from that embarrassment!

    Stopped by from SITS.

  5. Too funny – I’ve always wondered about Zumba – NOW I know! Found you over at SITS – great blog! :)

  6. I can run and run and run, but I won’t touch a Zumba class. Good for you!

  7. I’m not so much of a dance-girl. I do kickboxing and the mundane gym classes :)

    • Oh, that is cool!! My husband and I did a boot camp for several weeks. We were doing that thing where your partner holds up gloves and you hit them. Ya, I moved, he hit me straight on the chin. I had a bruise for 3 weeks on my chin. I’ve been kind of gun shy since then. *lol*

  8. Oh so hilarious! I keep having friends tell me how much fun Zumba is. I put the Wii version on hold at the library. I am thinking that trying it at home first will at least be a little bit better, right?

    • This morning I had a friend tell me her story about Zumba on the Wii. It didn’t sound pretty. *lol* However, trying it at home first would be a good way to go.

  9. The part where you said “that was only the warm up!?!?” was totally where I was, I got the Zumba for Kinect because I too had heard to many people rant and rave, it really kicked my butt!

    Yay for not only trying it, but going back for seconds!

    Stopping by from SITS :)

  10. Kudos to you for going. I can’t believe it’s only $1.50 per class. Stopping by from SITS!

  11. A friend recently told me that “Zumba makes you sweat your tits off.” Now, considering that’s the ONLY part of my body that I can’t afford to have sweat off, I was a little hesitant. I don’t have money for a gym membership, and I hate exercising in front of anyone. Another friend told me that they have Zumba for the Wii and I was ALL OVER IT. I just got it a couple days ago, and am finally over this cold/flu thing, so I’m going to try it this afternoon. If you don’t hear from my by this time tomorrow, something has gone terribly, terribly wrong.

  12. Thanks for a great laugh! Visiting from SITS and enjoying your blog!

  13. I really enjoyed that. I laughed alot and I feel the same way you do about people seeing me do stuff like that. I’d have been in a corner too.

  14. LOL….
    You had me in stiches.
    I once joined Bali (long long ago) with some friends. That lasted about 3 months. My friends stopped going; they always had some excuse……and soon after, so did I. I have thought about joining Curves, I like my exercise slow paced. :-)
    Anyway, good for you. I hope you are still doin’ the Zumba.
    And BTW…..Congratulations on your day in the SITS sun.
    I hope your day today is beautiful.

  15. Like a whore on dollar day. Damn. I heart you to bits! Happy SITS day!

    • *howling* I read that in a book a few years ago and its my favorite expression. You would be amazed at the looks I get when I use it.

  16. Ha Ha Ha!! That was so funny! I will have to try Zumba, my sis in law keeps asking me to…good post :)

    • Thank you. Oh, good luck with that. I hope you like your sis in law, because after that class, you might not like her as much. *lol*

  17. Absolutely LOVED IT! O.K., time to rest up from the workout!

  18. williampearl says:

    I used to do Zumba 2years ago. I made a resolution this year to get back into it. I think you wrote this blog for me! lol! I looked just like your 'toon :))

  19. i laughed right out loud at your title, since i found this blog post by looking for a tee shirt that says this… i am headed to Cafe press from here to make one i think – no worry – will not be "pirating" any material…

    i am on my second/third week of zumba and still feel like the only "white girl can't jump" in the room – but the people have been so nice that i keep going back to not jump some more!

    thanks for this hysterical post – well done!

  20. OK, lack of co-ordination would totally have my ass on the floor!
    Thanks for linking up today at
    http://www.bywordofmouthmusings.com/2011/06/time-

  21. This post had me cracking up all the way through! I went to my first Zumba class a few months back extremely skeptical. How could dancing be a work out? That thing kicked my ass.

    Found you through, Dwija!

  22. OMG! I was LOL by the time I got to, "We were working at a fevered frenzy that had me a breathing harder than a multiple orgasm." Hubby asked what was up and I read it to him. He turned red and slunk off into the other room. Heehee!

    Good luck with the classes and I can't wait to read more. I'm not even going to look it up… I'm positive there are no Zumba classes here. No, not gonna look!

  23. I am glad nothing fell off! ;) I checked and there is no class under 10 miles of me. Awwww, guess I am going to have to use the exercise bike more now that you are going to class.

    • I’m glad nothing fell off either. How embarrassing would that be? You could always go to a class with Jenny.

  24. I LOVE zumba! But the instructors really vary in how intensely they teach the class. I wear a heart rate monitor and the zumba classes I take tie with Body Attack (high intensity aerobics) for max heart rate and calories burned. Other classes I've been to were so slow I didn't even break a sweat. Stick with it – soon you'll be addicted and it is a great workout!!

  25. katieross83 says:

    Bernie, you're so brave. I wish I could take a page from your book and be brave, too. I can think of a million reasons why I shouldn't do it, but I should be brave like you and just do it!

    This was hilarious! I was cracking up about your conversation with your friend before class…ha! I love how supportive she was and how you hated her for it. I've been there…hehe. I'm so proud of you for doing this, seriously. And I can't wait to hear about more of your Zumba adventures!

    • Thanks, Katie. You are brave in a much cooler way. You write good stuff. Those prompts scare the hell out of me. You write your little heart out and its good.

  26. Hi, I have awarded to you 'The Versatile Blogger Award' Here is my link to the post: http://www.karimascrafts.com/2011/06/versatile-blogger-a...

    Karima xx http://www.karimascrafts.com

  27. Yay! What a totally awesome write-up! Of course, there is a stupid zumba class at our community center. BUT it is during my daughters' preferred library time so CLEARLY I cannot go ;)

    So awesome that you're going again. Virtual five!

  28. And CRAP… there is a zumba class half a mile from me. F…….UCK!

  29. Bernie puts Bernie in a corner! LMAO!! I want to zumba now too!

    So proud of you… not only did you go ONCE, but you went back for more! I've found that the only time I stick with exercise is if it's with a class of other people. If I try to do it at home or on my own, I always find to many excuses NOT to do it. But once you're in a room full of people… there is no turning back!

  30. Following you from the Terrific Thursday Blog Hop. I'd love it if you'd follow back!

    ~Nikki http://www.funkyfreshmama.com

  31. Lol! OMG that's how I felt doing p90X…just the warm up killed me!

  32. Great post! I hope you do go back, I think I'd better try one… :)

  33. I came to check whether or not my button was really up, and it was!!! LOL

    You're a lot braver than I am, Bern. I'd probably just lied and convinced myself there's no Zumba class anywhere around me. Or probably limit the distance to 2 miles from where I'm standing :)

    Seemed like you're gettin a hang of it though. I took dance lessons once–blame it on my hubb's family's tradition to perform during a wedding (such as the Michael Jackson video)–because I was chosen to be the family member who'd dance Saturday Night Fever on that year's wedding. I was doing fine as long as I was following the instructor from behind. Once she turned towards me, I started getting things messed up, cos I could barely tell the difference between left and right!

    Sooo… can't wait to hear what happens tonight on your 2nd Zumba class. And btw, when's Mr. B's gonna get a private zumba lap dance (wink wink*)??

    • Oh, no lap dance for him. I don’t want to break his legs. *lol*
      So do you guys do those dances for each wedding? I thought that was so cute and clever.
      I don’t know if its so much brave for going as I so need to loose some weight. I’m never going to be a waif, but anything is better than this. :)

  34. I LOVE ZUMBA!!!!The class just flies by! It reminds me so much of Brazil and when I lived there. Perhaps that is why I love it. I look like a fool doing it but after the 3rd class I did not care what I looked like. I am always soar after taking a ZUMBA class. Anyone who says that dancing is not exercise has NEVER taken a ZUMBA class! But no Zumba during the summer while the kids are home. SIGH. I actually was thinking of trying to find a Zumba DVD and doing it here with them. Now that would be a cute post picture! LOL

    Good for you. Please do go back. You will be happy you do. The music and moves always make me feel aliv and it beats doing the boring treadmill any old day!

    • I don’t know if you have a Wii or not, but there is a Zumba Wii game. Pictures of all of you doing Zumba would be great!
      I didn’t expect to sweat quite so much. I mean it was dancing, how hard can that be? HARD!

  35. I tried Zumba… once. haha. Great post. I always try to find ways of getting out of exercise.

  36. I LOVE this post. I enjoyed it even more because I have a friend who's been trying to get me to go to one of these classes for a while. She's a Zumba instructor and raves about the classes being more fun than exercise…of course this is the same friend who tried to sell me Amway. :)

    You have a real gift for telling a story Bernie and there was definitely a subtle inspiration underneath the sardonic sarcasm. Love the bit about, "Tell my husband I love him…", that made me laugh out loud. :D

    • Oh, you should go. I think its worth at least one class to see if you like it. You are smaller than me, so you should do well with it. *lol*
      Thank you. I love it when I can make folks laugh out loud.

  37. ROFLMAO!!! I was getting flashbacks of me at an aerobics class b ack in the 90's! I am NOT a dancer, I have rhythm, but two left feet. And everything you were saying I kept laughing and thinking to myself "Girl, I feel your pain!". No, I'm sorry, I'm not taking a Zumba class. Wild horses will have to drag me to it.

    But no pain no gain. I did two hours of raquetball a couple weeks ago and my butt was killing me for two days! Felt good though.

  38. Tiny Temper says:

    Brilliant post, Bernie! I'm pretty sure we don't that Zumba torture in the UK. And if we do, I'm ignoring it.
    You really made me laugh – thanks for that. Can't wait to hear the next installment.
    PS I was ALWAYS the one going right when everybody else was going left.

  39. Hi Im a new follower from the blog hop
    Loved your super cute blog
    Please come visit me in the uK anytime http://www.jollyjillys.blogspot.com

  40. This is just as humorous and entertaining as promised. That said, I am sooooooo proud of you, Bernie. But why did you have to go and tell me that a Zumba class is offered in Faribault?

    • Thank you. I was hoping it would be. I actually had Mr. Bernie help to edit it.
      I told you that because I’m an evil troll. *lol*

  41. kelli @ No. 7 says:

    That's awesome, Bernie! I love the whole thing. You made me laugh out loud in three different places!! No way I'm going to Zumba to make a fool of myself…

    • Thanks, Kelli! That makes me feel good that I made you laugh out loud.
      Oh, come on. Take a class. Think of the amusing blog post you could make out of it.

  42. Way to go Bernie! I've always seen every level of dancer/exerciser in zumba, which is I think part of the appeal. I love that you're pimpin' me out :D

  43. good for you Bernie, I have never ever been a fan of excercise I used the excuse that I moved around enough during the day.Many times when I read your blog I wish your Mom had a computer so she could read it this was one of those times. It was so you but yet sounded so much like her.
    Love Ya

    • *lol* I actually called and read it to her this morning. She found it funny.
      You do move around a lot during the day. I swear between the grandkids and your life you are a busy bee.

  44. bachiles says:

    I am scared of Zumba. It has always sounded kind of like a cult……like do you all wear the same legwarmers and sweat bands? Oh wait—that was the 1980's…….good on ya, Bernie, for giving it a go!!! Can't wait to hear how the next class goes!

    • Don\’t be scared. Go to the dark side. I actually THINK I enjoyed it. No leg warmers for me. *lol* I know they sell clothing, but I\’m happy with my regular t-shirt and work out pants.

  45. Anne S. says:

    LOL Somehow there is actually some inspiration to try this in your story. So how do you feel today? Sore? Energized?

    • Two days later, I\’m fine.
      Jenny is going to be calling you. She found a class in West Duluth at 5pm. She figured that you would be able to go after work.
      I can\’t wait to hear what you guys think.

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